2013 - The Year of Many Changes

2013 turned out to be a year of many changes. While I was in the middle of it all, I didn’t realise how many times my life was at a crossroads, but looking at the past year now, when it’s almost over, I can see that it’s been quite the year. I reached several milestones and made important decisions that would have a great impact on how my future will turn out:

In January I handed in my Master’s thesis.
In February I got my Bachelor’s degree.
In April I finished my last courses at university, and I started working full time as a freelance translator.
At the end of May we had a graduation party for my brother and me, and a few days later at the beginning of June I got my Master’s degree.
In June I also left to spend the summer in Scotland – or so I thought… because at the end of June I decided that when I travelled to Finland in August I would only go there for a visit. I would get rid of my flat, sell everything I owned and move to Edinburgh permanently.
In July I met a wonderful Scotsman, and luckily he’s been sticking around ever since.
In August I flew to Finland and began to empty out my flat in Turku. I threw out more stuff than during any previous move, because this time I had to cold-heartedly get rid of anything that wasn't absolutely essential. I also sold all my furniture, kitchen appliances and some smaller stuff, donated the rest to charity or to friends, and packed anything that remained in a few boxes and suitcases.
At the beginning of September I stayed with my parents in Parainen, where I spent my time dividing my stuff into the things I would take with me to Scotland and the things I would leave in storage. After five weeks in Finland, which felt like an eternity, I flew back to my “new” home town, moved into a beautiful flat in a lovely neighbourhood with a really nice flatmate, and I got to be with my boyfriend again.

From September onwards I've tried to settle back into my Scottish life – I've met up with old and new friends, translated, looked for a new job, spent time with my flatmate and my boyfriend, showed my home town to visitors, and generally enjoyed myself. It was wonderful to visit Finland at Christmas and see everybody again, but so far nothing – not my visit to Finland, nor the partial ridiculousness of life in the UK (taps, cold houses, etc. etc.), nor moments of homesickness – has made me regret my decision to move here. My life is here now, as it’s supposed to be.

Last year I wrote here about New Year’s resolutions: “Shouldn't that be the most important resolution for each new year – to make it the best year of your life so far? To be happier, healthier, kinder, whatever, just be more of it than last year. If last year was awful, then it shouldn't take much to make this year better, and if it was great, then find ways to make it even more so.” In many ways, 2013 has been a fantastic year, and the best part is that the good things are the ones that I remember, and any bad parts have been forgotten. I hope I can say the same thing a year from now.

Happy New Year everyone, or as we say in Scotland, Happy Hogmanay!

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"To find where I'm supposed to be"

Now that I'm abroad again, this blog hasn't been getting much lovin - that's usually the way it goes, as my other blog (in Finnish, sorry) is my original travel blog, and this one was created so that I'd have somewhere to write about random stuff when I'm back in Finland.

So, turns out the (relative) silence might go on for a while, as I've recently decided to make my move to Edinburgh more permanent - I won't be staying just for the summer, as originally planned, but indefinitely. Very few people seem to be surprised.

At the beginning of this year, I was watching The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (if you haven't seen it, do it now! It's on YouTube, and it's amazing! Prepare to get addicted, though), where Lizzie says that her New Year's resolution would be "to find where I'm supposed to be". I really liked that idea, and decided to use that as my resolution for this year as well - I even put it up on my desktop as a sort of inspirational quote:

So that's what I'm trying to do. I won't know straight away if I've found it here, but I believe this is a good start.

Wish me luck!

Should I stay or should I go?

Yesterday I found myself looking at the internships offered by the centre of international mobility. There was an internship at the Finnish Institute in London that I'd been looking at some months ago, and I had even written the application deadline down in my calendar. I read through the job description and requirements, and started drafting a CV. But then I stopped to think.

Why am I doing this? I already realised at some point during this past year that where I am at the moment may not be such a bad place to be, and I'm not sure if I want to keep moving to new countries and building new lives for myself, at least not at the moment. So do I really want to do an internship at the Finnish Institute in London, or am I simply looking at internships abroad out of habit? Am I trying to cling on to the last strands of student life with all my strength? Because those have to be the worst reasons there are!

As I went through the practicalities of an internship in my head - not even the fun stuff, like living in London, but the complicated stuff, like what to do with my flat and my things - I realised that I'm not really feeling it. And as I took it further I realised that there really is no point for me to a) uproot myself yet again for a period of only a few months, and b) do unpaid work and try to survive on student benefits and small scholarships.

If I want to move to London (or Scotland, or wherever), I can do so for a real job that pays real money. And to be honest, at the moment I'm not even sure if I want to. I'm not saying my wandering days are over, but maybe, right now, this is where I'm supposed to be.

Light in Dark Places

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I hit a bit of a rough patch earlier this week. The incident that triggered it wasn't much to speak of, but it got the ball rolling and I ended up something of an emotional wreck. In situations like these you can really appreciate the wonderful friends that you've been blessed with. So although few, if any, of these girls will actually read this, and some of them may not even realise they did anything, I want to say a few words of thanks (- because unfortunately you come off really sappy if you say things like this out loud).

So.

MA - who handled the original meltdown beautifully and got me back on my feet;
EJ - who is always ready to listen;
KM - who always believes in me;
SB - who is always supportive;
MM - who made it all seem ok again.

Thank you. This week started out quite badly, but you managed to turn it all around. You are truly amazing!

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The best year of your life?

New year's resolutions and fresh starts have been on my mind lately, for obvious reasons. Facebook is covered in posts of how to make the new year better, how to make yourself better, how to do better. Blogs fill up with good advice on various things. A new year feels like turning a new page in life, like you have a blank canvas and all those other clichés, and you can start again.

For the first time in years, I've actually made a few resolutions of my own. Actually they're just small changes I want to do, and the decision just happened to be made around the beginning of the new year - probably because of all the inspiration flying around.

Today I read yet another person's musings on the new year, in which she said that she simply wants to be happy. This got me thinking. It reminded me of something that I was exposed to a lot some years ago, when doing research before my exchange year in high school. The tagline of one of the exchange programs was "The best year of you life". While the tagline in that specific context may not be ideal - while it's great from a sellers perspective, it does create an awful lot of pressure on the teenager who's struggling in a foreign country - it came to mind now, when thinking of various new year's resolutions.

Shouldn't that be the most important resolution for each new year - to make it the best year of your life so far? To be happier, healthier, kinder, whatever, just be more of it than last year. If last year was awful, then it shouldn't take much to make this year better, and if it was great, then find ways to make it even more so.

That's what I want to do, anyway

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On endings

As I may have mentioned here before (can't be bothered to check at the moment, to be honest) I recently realised that I could actually graduate this spring (the Finnish uni system is really flexible, so this isn't as obvious as you may think if you've studied elsewhere). It came as a total surprise, as I had thought that, at best, I'd be graduating a year from now. But May it is, then!

Some time after this realisation hit me, I also realised that if this is my last year, then it'll be a year full of lasts. Come May, I won't be a student anymore, I won't be spending my time on campus, I won't be hanging out with a lot of the people I regularly see now, I won't be going to events and activities organised by my student association... A large chunk of my social life will be gone. And even thought I haven't been overly active in participating in these things in recent years, it still makes me sad. Of course I can still hang out with my friends outside of uni, but there will always be some people that I only ever see at uni, but whose company I enjoy, who I'll lose contact with after graduation.

As I've been giving up various things - and friends - quite often in recent years, I should be able to see this as nothing more than another transition in life, similar to all the ones I've gone through before. But five years is a long time. I just read a blog post by someone who's studying in London, who said that it feels like she was just a Fresher, even though she's now half-way through her studies. Well, she was, because that was just six months ago. Three years go by quite fast, because you've only just started and got the hang of something when the end is already drawing near, but when you set out on a five year "journey", you don't start thinking about it ever ending until that fact hits you in the face, right before it happens.

I used to think I'd be a student for ages, that I was in no hurry to graduate, and that I had ages left to enjoy everything that comes with being a student. But real life is knocking on the door, and even though I won't have to answer straight away, I won't be able to keep it off forever. And while that is, in some ways, exciting, it's also irreversible. Sure, I could always go back to uni, but this is when I was a student, and I won't get that back. And that's a bit sad. As I'm sure most things are once they're over.

Disclaimer: I may have had a few drinks before writing this.

On Bilingualism

This spring, when I was writing my bachelor's thesis, I got to immerse myself in a topic that I've always been very interested in, i.e. bilingualism. As someone who was raised bilingually in both a bilingual family and a bilingual environment, and whose potential children will also be raised bilingually, I've always found the entire concept of bilingualism, and especially bilingual child rearing, very fascinating.

While researching my topic, I learned a lot about raising children bilingually, and many things I thought I knew about the subject were proved wrong. For example, I used to think that as longs as each parent keep strictly to one language, then there is no reason why the child shouldn't become bilingual. I assumed that's the way it was, because that's the way it had been in my family. What I didn't take into account, however, was that my family lived in an entirely bilingual setting - a bilingual country, and a small, bilingual town, where the country's minority language was actually a majority language*. So what my family had was actually what many researchers call the ideal setting, where the minority language is the common language of the family (i.e. Finnish was the minority language in my town, but the common language at home) - with an added bonus of us living in a country where that "minority" language was actually used everywhere outside my hometown.

Wow, this is getting really confusing, but my point is this: when I grew up, I received a lot of input in both of my languages, both at home and outside of it, which is really as good a situation as you can possibly have. It is also quite an uncommon situation outside of bilingual areas. So, someone who's moved to another country, and has a partner from that country, will most likely have nowhere near as good a situation (linguistically speaking) as my family did. Hence my assumption that it would be enough for, for example, a Finnish woman living in the UK to simply stick to speaking Finnish to her children in order for them to learn it perfectly was way off - it really takes a lot more work and determination than that, and even then there is no certainty about the outcome, as many factors play a part.

As well as learning about raising bilingual children, my research also taught me some things about myself and my own situation, and it seems that this has been an ongoing process, as I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday. I tend to mix my languages a lot - my Swedish is spiced with Finnish and English words and expressions, and some English is added to my Finnish - because I know that everyone can understand me, and I either can't think of the right word fast enough, or there is a better way of saying it in another language. Obviously I don't do this when speaking to monolingual people, but most people I know speak at least two languages, so it's never a problem. However, I have friends who grew up speaking only Swedish or Finnish, and they don't tend to mix languages as much as I do, which sometimes makes me feel like I'm not quite at their level linguistically. In the literature on bilingualism, however, it was clearly stated that this mixing of languages (i.e. code-switching) isn't a sign of lacking linguistic abilities, but simply a communication tool used by bilinguals. So the fact that I'm mixing languages more than my friends are (even though they all speak at least two or three languages now) is just because I grew up with two languages, and got used to making the most of them, so now I'm doing the same thing with all my languages.

I'm looking forward to taking my research to the next level with my master's thesis this autumn - I'm sure I'll learn loads more about the topic in the process.

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*Confusing? Basically, the majority of Finns speak Finnish, and Swedish is the minority language, but in my home town Swedish is the majority language, with a minority of Finnish speakers

Be Kind to Yourself

As I've mentioned before, a while ago I started reading zenhabits. Basically, it's a blog about self-improvement, and believe me, I have a lot of things to improve - don't we all?

Some of the things that are touched upon in this blog are simple living, de-cluttering, exercise and health, time management, creativity, and generally making the most out of life by doing the things that bring you happiness (yeah, sounds very new-agey, but it's all presented in a very practical way). I could spend (and have spent) hours going through the various sections of this blog, always finding new things that I could improve about myself, from flossing to exercise to taking the time to do the things I love, like writing. The blog is such a great resource when it comes to simplifying your life and improving it, and yourself.

Then, I found a post titled Quashing the Self-Improvement Urge, and linked to it, another; you're already perfect. Here are some excerpts from the first post:

One of the driving forces of my life for many years was the need to improve myself. It’s one of the driving forces for people who read my work as well.

It’s an incredibly pervasive urge: we are always trying to improve, and if we’re not, that’s something we should improve.
...
So what’s the problem? You could say it’s great that people are constantly trying to improve themselves, but where does it end? When is anyone ever content with who they are? We are taught that we are not good enough yet, that we must improve, and so … we always feel a little inadequate.
...
We are never adequate, never perfect, never self-confident, never good enough, never comfortable with ourselves, never satisfied, never there, never content.
...
What if instead, we learned to be happy with ourselves?

There's then a link to the second post:

A powerful realization that has helped me is simply this: You’re already good enough, you already have more than enough, and you’re already perfect.
...
The thing I’ve learned, and it’s not some new truth but an old one that took me much too long to learn, is that if you learn to be content with who you are and where you are in life, it changes everything.
...
We don’t need to improve our lives. We don’t need to improve ourselves, because we’re already perfect.

Once you accept this, it frees you.

You’re now free to do things, not because you want to be better, but because you love it. Because you’re passionate about it, and it gives you joy. Because it’s a miracle that you even can do it.

You’re already perfect. Being content with yourself means realizing that striving for perfection is based on someone else’s idea of what “perfect” is … and that that’s all bullshit. Perfect is who you are, not who someone else says you should be.

Maybe this is what I should concentrate on, instead of all of those other things I feel I need to change about myself. Then maybe I could see that the list of what needs to be changed isn't really as long as I thought.

Inspirational

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I posted this just over a year ago, so I thought it was time for another inspirational video. This one is by the Finnish national public-broadcasting company Yle, and it's a beautiful video with a lovely message. This one's the English version, but for those of you who speak Finnish or Swedish, you can choose those versions from the side bar. Enjoy!

Simple Living and De-cluttering

As can be seen from the title of this post, today I'd like to talk about two concepts I've recently discovered: Simple Living and De-cluttering. I can't remember quite how it happened (maybe it was divine intervention? I'd sure need it!), but the other day, when I was slowly starting to think about and planning for my impending move, I ended up on a blog called Keep It Simple (only in Finnish) and a post about getting rid of the chaos in your home, basically de-cluttering. For those who know me, it comes as no surprise that I need help and advice on exactly that - my home is rarely tidy, and there is usually random stuff lying around. So, this concept of Simple Living that this blog introduced me to inspired me to go and look for more, and I came across an absolute gem for all things related to Simple Living, including de-cluttering, time-management, sorting out your finances, and much, much more. So, this weekend I have spent some time reading some of the many interesting posts in zenhabits, which is a blog by Leo Babauta. For anyone interested in this concept, I recommend going into the Start Here section of his blog, where you can get an overview of the topics he's covered, and find the things that you find useful and interesting. After each post, there are links to related posts, so the information is easily available, and you could spend hours reading through it all.

For me, this is a perfect time to start the process of de-cluttering, since I'll shortly be moving back into my own flat - it makes so much more sense to go through all my boxes of stuff now, and get rid of what I don't need, and then only bring what I actually need back into the flat. Every time I move, I do get rid of a bunch of stuff, but this time I've got my new Simple Living tools at hand, so hopefully that would make the process even more efficient. When sorting through my boxes, I always try to think: Do I really need this? Do I use it? Does it fit? And, most importantly, is there space for this in my flat? I live in a 35m² studio apartment, so there isn't much room for extra stuff. I've also started re-thinking some of my storage solutions, to maximise the benefit I get from every single closet, cupboard and square metre of space.

At the moment, I'm very motivated to start this process, and to keep it up - de-cluttering isn't something you do once, you have to keep doing it. We'll see how well I'll do once I actually get back into my flat - there are loads of bad habits to be broken - but so far, it's been going quite well. Up till now, I've had about ¼ of my clothes in a closet, and the rest in three bags (one large duffel bag and two smaller ones) that have been in storage. Yesterday, I emptied out a large paper bag full of clothes from my closet, and reduced the amount of bags to one small duffel bag. I also dug out my folders of old school and uni papers from my boxes, and got rid of everything (except old report cards and a few essays) - amounting to a ½ metre high pile of paper. In addition, I've thrown out a few handbags and 9 pairs of shoes (yes, it hurt, but it had to be done). Right now, I'm very excited to keep going, so I hope I can keep this up in the future. And once the de-cluttering is properly underway, I want to tackle some of the other aspects of Simple Living that Babauta introduces in his blog.

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Like a moth to a flame

Sometimes you just have to wonder about your own behaviour. When you knowingly put yourself in a situation that will only lead to you feeling shit and depressed, you have to ask yourself where these masochistic tendencies come from. You know there's no point, it won't lead anywhere, but for those short good moments you sacrifice your own mental well-being. Why?? It really isn't worth it... At the time it might feel like it is, but it's not. You're just being an idiot...

A Brilliant Plan

This morning I got back from London. The prospect of this trip was what got me through all those long, dark, wet, slippery, cold weeks, but now I'm back to being down because of the weather. Spring was almost here, and then someone apparently went and decided that February would be a much better month to be in, judging from the weather at least...

Anyway, I had a really lovely week in London! Lots of shopping and good food in great restaurants, and I got to see my lovely friends and party with some of them.

One day, when I was wandering around Covent Garden and Seven Dials with no specific goal or mission, I had a sort of epiphany. I loved London even more on this trip than when I was living there, obviously because during a week's visit I'd try to make the most out of my time, as opposed to several months there, when a lot of the time would be spent on other things, such as working or studying. So I came up with an amazing solution: I should get a place in London, and then just fly down there a lot! I could live in Finland, so going to London would be a holiday and not my everyday life, and I would get the best of both worlds!

Now that I have this brilliant plan I just need to find a way to finance it... Suggestions? :)

Revelations

Sometimes in life you get these huge philosophical revelations, and they can come from the strangest places...

At the end of November, when I was still living in London (sniff), I went to see a stand-up gig by Simon Amstell. He's this thin guy with crazy hair, and I had seen him on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (British TV-show), where he used to be a presenter.

Anyway, what I found so funny about Amstell, is that I could relate to the things he was saying. He said that he never enjoys the moment because he's too busy analyzing it, and that he keeps living in the past and in the future, instead of focusing on the present. He said that he has trouble getting to know guys he likes, because when it gets to the point of something actually happening, he gets all nervous and flees from the situation. He questions other people too much (like the incident where he was having sex with someone, and he was still asking himself if maybe the guy was just joking about the whole thing). He also said that he envied a friend of his, who during an afternoon walk got the phone number of several girls, while he himself struggled with going up to a guy he saw whom he liked, because of his huge fear of rejection

But then he had a revelation. He was talking about being so afraid of rejection, and said: "It's always a choice between fear and love, and we should always choose love, because death is coming!!"

That idea is something I took away from the show. It's not being morbid, and saying nothing matters, because we're all going to die anyway. Well, in a way, that's exactly what he's saying, but mostly it's just another way of telling people to live every day like it's their last, which, of course, is such a cliché that you can't really say it and be serious about it anymore. But I want to use this in my own life - no matter how scared I am of rejection, I should still take a chance, because death is coming. Also, yesterday I heard someone say that if you never do anything because you're scared of what you'll lose, then you'll always lose in life. If you don't take a risk and put yourself out there, you can't win. Ever.

All of this might seem obvious, and a bunch of worn out clichés, but I think it's important to remind yourself of these things every now and then, and actually try to apply them to your own life. Failure always hits hard at first, but after a while, these things might help you see that it wasn't that bad after all. At least now you know. I sort of went along with this "choose love over fear, because death is coming" idea recently, and sure, it didn't work out the way I had hoped, but now I can distance myself from it a little bit and see it for what it was: I took a risk, and it didn't pay off, but at least I did it. And that's the most important thing.